kjp

Well, it's over. Maybe some details later, maybe.

I'm buggered though. Physically, emotionally, mentally draining.

In the church - 200 seats - all taken (except one, but that was a reserved one - there was a slight mixup, anyhow). The bits of paper at the door that people sign to say they were there (not everyone signed it) - was 390 names... in a suburban church. Apparently a whole big bunch of people though dad was a good guy.!

Anyhow, when that many people are singing, you have to play pretty loudly!

A dinner to go to tonight. And then that will be it - over.

Well, not really over, just a different stage in greiving begins...

nervous (11.26 pm)

One sleep before the second worst day of my life. ?

... but hopefully it will be as good as possible and help me.

There's two acts. A short and sweet bit (committal) that's ust got only a few people to it (family and a few close friends) - it has the coffin; and then the "celebration of life" later on... all estimates point to seating in the church filling up very early, with people standing for the service, assuming that they actually can fit inside the church.

I hope that I don't play too badly, and that I don't *** *** much. (But I couldn't ever admit that).

When I start to think about this fully and properly all and I have no adrenalin it's going to hit me (probably later this week); which will conside with me being away from everyone - ie: back in Brisbane.

Dad died this morning.

It's ridiculous at how stuffed this whole situation is. And unfair.

So what is "normal" family life? Who knows - certainly not me. But is there such thing as a normal family. The all have issues, problems, differences. Anyhow.

It seems that things here are going back to normal (somewhat, but not really �" only superficially). We've (mum and the 'kids' - and the bub) having been having meals in the family room around the table - as opposed to meals of the past few weeks around Dad's bed - helping him eat. Now there's not much point to eating with him. He's breathing, and that's all he’s doing - no response to anything since yesterday morning's cuddle session with the bub.

I think that I should buy a lottery ticket:

You don't ever think that a family member will ever get something like this, but someone (well, a decent sized handful) in the world will. You don't ever think that you'll win lotto, but someone in the world will. If random bad things can happen, then surely random good things can happen?

If you've got a pessimistic outlook, then it'd be easy to think that that is not the case for you - that a bad thing may happen to you, no good things will ever happen to you.
If you've got an optimistic outlook, then it'd be easy to think that that is the case for you - that no bad things will happen to you, but a good thing may/will happen to you.

I always thought that neither would happen to me - no major good or bad things would happen to me. Maybe naivety? Or just sitting-on-the-fence? Or just the statistics: what is the proportion of people that don't have a family member with a terminal condition and who don’t win lottery �" 99.99% ?

I don't think that I'll ever get it - I have to just accept that one of those random things in life did happen to my family. In this case, the random thing that happened was a bad thing.

I don't know.

Sadness, and concern and bit of disappointment. Not confusion, not anger.

I analyse it all to understand it to protect myself from hurt. ????

OK, other things now:
There's a slight chance that I'll be in Brisbane tomorrow night -- for one night only (less than 24 hours in total). I couldn't stay away for more than that. But I'd be going for something that I really enjoy - a good escape from all this mess down here. Don't know - will need to decide early on tomorrow morning. I'd hate it if J died if / when I was away from here. Although, at least I'll be able to bring some warm clothes back: I packed in a rush and kind of forgot that stuff... not a good idea for Canberra in March.

It’s interesting, I’ve just re-read bits of the above. A ‘bad thing’ in terms of someone’s health maybe a terminal condition. But what is a ‘good thing’ in terms of health. Just being healthy enough to be able to do whatever it is that you want is ‘good’? Don’t know. The example of a random good thing was a financial lottery win, but this is narrow. What other random things that don’t happen to most people can happen which are good? Hmmm.

This post is a mish-mash of old bits that I wrote up (draft - not posted) on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday I think. Plus stuff from today.

OK, stuff from today first, while it's fresh in my mind:

A palliative care nurse came and installed a syringe driver into dad. The whole point of it is to deliver a given medication over a particular amount of time (24 hours in this case) in small even doses. There's just a small bit of plastic under the skin, which is attached to a tube, attached to the machine at the other end; which is told to deliver the drugs given in 24 hours. The picture on the external link of the wikipedia page is pretty much identical to dad's. It was good to get some info from the nurse in regards to a few of the things that we can expect to happen.

Anyhow, one of the reasons of doing this is that it is getting very difficult for him to swallow pills. Just doesn't have the energy to do so. This is not really surprising. The amount of food he's been eating (not for a lack of trying, just hasn't had the appetite) has been decreasing gradually for several months (or more?), despite, in the earlier stages (i.e.: before he decided to stop active treatment) having protein shakes to put on weight, etc. The other reason that when he's not sleeping, he's barely conscious (if at all). If you don't have the energy to swallow, and are not taking any food or drink on; then you can't live for long... A few days, not a week, apparently. But who knows about this. He's lasted this long - exceeding most expectations.

Other things today: woken early, dad coughing (lots); walk in the morning with mum; walk with Ms X and Cranky Pants and Steady (the last two are not really "mozwill", but they're cute, anyhow). Pal care nurse in early afternoon. Visit to the pharmacy after a catnap after that. A jog in the late afternoon with Pants and Steady, yummy dinner, then stuff in the evening. Ohh, I was watching bits of Suddenly 30 (something gives me the impression that it's a chick flick... hmmmm...) - shame shame shame - and doing bits of today's Canberra Times 5 star Sudoku (writing in the possibilities is a no-no). Posting a thing for mum to their website (written from her handwritten notes). Anyhow. It's 9:55 pm now; I'll sort out the rest of the post after helping roll** dad and give medication.

** One thing that I didn't realise before this last part of this saga was that if you're in bed for a long time, then you need to be rolled to change the pressure points. This avoids getting bedsores, which can be a big problem if you have no muscle tissue / fat, etc. Anyhow.

Ohh, when I was posting that entry on my parents blog, I couldn't get the blogspot to upload the two photos correctly. It'd just stall after uploading the images. Will try again tomorrow. Ohh, I've been told by Ms X that the job I did on my beard was patchy. Ohh well. And Ms X's elder sister agrees. Ohh dear. I was using a dodgy portable mirror outside - to avoid cleaning up a whole bunch of hairs. But on the upside I was also told that Ian Thorpe had a similar beard... I'm such a trend setter.... ha!

OK, now for the older stuff. I was going to post under a title of "Musical Beds, Sore Leg, Ten Eggs" because of the ridiculous rhyme...

From Thursday (in reference to Wednesday):
I was down in J's room again last night. He slept pretty well, which was good. Other than the times I woke him for medicine he was up just once for coughing (as far as I know, anyway).

Orienteering yesterday evening was good. It was around Mt Farrer, reasonably high on the slopes of it. It's pretty iffy, I reckon, to be outside when there's a storm coming; being near the top of a mountain; and being on a part of the mountain that is bare (ie: just grassland / rocks) �" no trees around. I got a bit wet, but that was ok. I had descended off the steeper slopes by that point. The map had been reworked (at least partially, I assume), as a result of the bushfires. Which got me thinking back to early 2003. A different world for me. Didn’t know anyone up in Brisbane, etc… I found Canberra 2003 Bushfire Map, which shows the amount of trashed land in the ACT pretty well. For those that don’t know, at the time I lived (and am staying at the moment), in the South-Western part of Belconnen.

Now, from later from the week just past (not sure when):
The ‘Musical Beds’ part just refers to the fact that we’ve been swapping beds regularly: someone has to sleep in the same room as dad, to keep an ear out, help him onto the commode, deliver medication etc (although this isn’t so much a problem as of tonight �" Sunday �" as there’s now no need for a 2am medication). I probably was the one doing most of the lifting getting him from the bed to the commode… I noticed towards the latter half of the week just gone that his stability and strength had diminished more (i.e.: I was pretty much taking almost all of his weight).

Sometime (maybe go again tomorrow?) W and I went down to the church for a bit of a practice �" of songs to play before the celebration of dad’s life. These were a mix of some of my clarinet and piano music, and some songs from the hymn book. Last week (or the week before?? �" it all goes so quickly), I was doing a bit of practice �" playing those same songs �" for Dad. He wanted to listen to what would be played at his service… What a crazy world.

The 10 eggs refers to mum’s really nice zucchini slice, which I’ll try and get the recipe for, along with a nice risotto (I didn’t realise that it wasn’t impossible to make), and some other “steak”. Yummy.

And now for some other stuff:
We watched the Shawshank Redemption later in the week. Was the second time I’d seen it. The first time was on the side of a truck on the Mt Gambier �" Adelaide ride of 1995. It’s a pretty good film �" I thought it was very good. All about hope.

I’m thinking of learning some Spanish. Quite possibly at IML (same place as I did my Mandarin). The purpose would be for a future trip to South America. (Although this would be 2007 at the earliest). I’m thinking of Peru, Bolivia, and maybe Chile or Argentina. Ie: high county on the Pacific coast side �" ie: territory colonised by the Spanish many moons ago. But, I may go to Brazil as well �" for some reason I want to swim in the Atlantic ocean. No particular reason, other than I’ve done Pacific many times, Indian some times, but not yet Atlantic.

For some reason, after I read that book on world oil supplies (geological basis) and the surrounding politics, etc, I want to read Pride and Prejudice (Austen). I just had the thought the other day, so why not eh? Although it might be a while before I get to it.

Also, another crazy thought was (when settled back to Brisbane) to go and see some dancing, like professional stuff. Maybe, or maybe not. I think that this idea was inspired after seeing Dancing with the Stars, and by wanting to see something on the professional side (not knocking the contestants). But I’m not a fan of ballet. So maybe this will do (yes, I know, it's acting, not dance).

The other weekend, (or maybe the one before it?), Ms X and I went to a garage sale up the road. Got a book all about concepts / schemas, etc �" and how people learn information �" creating categories, generalisations, etc. It’s ok and vaguely interesting, but I’m not sure how much more time I’ll spend reading it. At 50 cents, I’m not too worried about not getting to the end.

Now, how old is Bert Newton really?

Useless trivia (really, I mean it) - especially for all the non-Canberrans reading this - it's a public holiday here tomorrow. Canberra Day. Woop.

Hopefully when I get back to Brisbane (and get a free morning on a weekend), the water will still be warm enough for a decent swim.

So I currently have a cute bub on my lap. She is sooo cute. She tries to reach the keyboard a bit; but only manages to get to the spacebar. Actually she just nudged the mouse. And a red light came on inside it. Wow.!

Anyhow, last night I had a good night sleep - sleep right through from 10.30 pm or so to 8 am - sweet. I didn't go on either of my usual two morning walks - orienteering this afternoon is the excuse. So I've had a bludgy morning. And I didn't get interupted last nght. Which was good; although under the circumstances that would be fine.

The previous night was a bit average... Needing to get up 4 or so times for medication delivery; coughing or toilet assistance. Anyhow.

This case of dying is a bit wierd - no one is sure when it will happen - it's taking a while. Which makes it hard to organise the rest of my life, etc. (And for everyone else in the family).

So I should link to this post on my folk's blog. (Partly because yours truly did the first draft of it - but everyone looked at it before posting, of course). I'm tired - interrupted sleep most nights to help out. But this is nothing - I've been here a week; S, and W and C having been doing it for longer...

Staying down here was definitely the right decision.

It's weird. I always thought that my folks and their generation would all die in their 70's, or 80's; maybe the occasional 90 year old - this would be in 20 years time or something. Not now. There's so much to do in life. So many experiences to do, people to meet, places to see, etc, etc. It seems to be a waste that you can't have ~ 80 + years doing that. The standard answer is, of course: "yup, you may not live for as long as you like; so you need to make the most of each moment" or something like that. But that is kind of [forgotten the word - it means excuse - sort of - jib or jip or something], because we should all have the option for living a long time. Any outcome less (unless due to being stupid - drunk driving for example) is stupid and crap and wrong.

Anyhow, back from the rant:
It's the first (significant) exposure I've had to a dying person. The only other people are my grandparents (paternal), and grandpa (maternal), although all of these were a while ago (last was ~10 years ago, or so, I think). However, in this case we've got 7 or so out of 13 imminent signs (plus a few bonus issues due to the nature of the illness and complications)...

I think that my MP3 player has died...

I had it plugged in to this computer (USB port), listening to some music off it. I then plugged my camera into the port next to where my mp3 player was... bumping that. And then the music stopped, drive wasn't on the my computer drives list. Plugging it into a different port didn't help (it wasn't - and isn't - being recognised by the O/S). Reboot computer, no help.

I've tried updated drivers from the Creative website. When I put it into the USB port, the O/S recognised that there was something there, but did not do anything.

Do'h. It's only ~6 months old. Grumble.

I'll try some other things (from Creative website?) to attempt to recover it tomorrow.

So I've just said good night to J. Interesting how, on previous nights, I've been saying something like "Good night, have a good sleep, see you tomorrow". Just then I dropped the 'see you tomorrow'... I'm accepting the future more.

Every day is great ("a gift"). But it won't last.

PS: I'm staying in Canberra for a while, (not going back to Brisbane tomorrow).

It's early. 4.08 am on Sunday morning to be precise. I'm the on-duty muscles for J help. Hmmm.

So there's another post on my parents blog that describes the situation.

Things are going downhill. "This is serious". ***

I keep things (ie: emotions) in check so that I can be of service and help my family as best as possible. But this (the keeping in check) will be bad in the long run, I'd imagine...

When I came down, I was thinking that it would be 'just for a long weekend - until Tuesday'; but tonight I wouldn't be surprised if I stayed and went back after the service.

Back to today events.

The day started off with a walk around a bit of the Pinnacle with mumsies; followed by a joke along the backtrack with Red and Holly. Then it was lunch time, then afternoon.

In the early afternoon Pembleton and I went down to the church to 'jam' (? if you can call it that). The piano is at her place in Sydney, so the church was a nearby spot to play piano and clarinet pieces. I've brought a fair chunk of my music down. The purpose was threefold: get some music into me and her; hang out with her; and sort out some ideas for the service (whenever that will be?...). We'll probably be playing some clarinet / piano pieces and some hymns from the songbook as people enter for the service. She'll play the piano for the songs during, I might play along as well.

Anyhow, of the "clarinet and piano" pieces that we went through, the artsy-fartsy pieces or too exciting pieces won't be appropriate. We've picked out a few 'nice' ones (and the most 'celebration of life' attendee friendly out of the ones that are available): Tartini - Concertino (I); Finzi - Five Bagatelles (III - Carol); Corelli - Gigue; and from the lime green book - Stamitz - Romance; Gossec - Tambourin; and maybe parts of (except the 2nd movement) of the piece that has no name (other than "Gavotte"). Hmmmm. They all have nice melodies; I think, which is important for this kind of 'gig', and aren't too hard (no time to practice heaps; and we might be thinking of other things on the day...). Unfortunately we won't be playing one of the best pieces for clarinet ever written Mozart Concerto (Adagio)... we'd need to do a fair bit of practice... which requires time, which is better spent else where.

We also went through a few hymns from the church songbook. The electronic piano that they've got is pretty cool; as it has a modulation function - so that you can specify what middle C is. So, you can shift the piano down a tone to play in B flat; which means that I don't need to transpose the music up a tone on the fly. Woo hoo. I'll leave that to my grade x clari exams.

After the piano / clarinet session; we sung a bit - choir music of mine. Arbutus; Banks of Doom from old choir; The Sally Gardens from new choir. They're all English / Irish / Scottish folksy type songs. Ohhh, and Thanks Be To Thee as well. No irony intended. No thanks from me to anything that probably doesn't exist for the crappy situation we're all stuck in.

And then it was back home. Then back out to get some dinner (chicken and chips from the shops, ahh the memories), and then helping dad, and then it was time to write something.

Must watch the chaser thing on ABC tonight - humour would be good for me.

Ohh, another thing I can't forget - for my list of memories of dad - the infamous olive restrictions at lunch time; and "tickle-torture". We got a little bit back earlier this evening when we were giving him is hand / foot massages (I had right foot - the one with feeling in it)...

*** This is kind of a joke between just me a dad (and now with you out in internet land now as well) (and fits in freakishly well with the downhill comment). You had to be there - somewhere in the hills above Adelaide ~11 years ago.

So I got the early afternoon flight from Brissy to Canberra this afternoon. (Took the afternoon off work). It was soooo good flying into my hometown and being able to see it (unlike my usual evening flight that arrives after dark).

The cab driver (who took me from the house in Bris to the airport) was pretty cool. He was a high-flier in the corporate world, lots of hours, stress, money, etc, etc, and quit that to become a cabbie. Apparently on a flight from Hong Kong to London, the plane that he was on got struck by lightning.... Apparently gave an awful fright. Yikes.... This was as there was plenty of rain hanging around the airport. He was from Sydney, and had been to Canberra a fair bit. We were in agreement that Brisbane weather is very bland compared to Canberra.

Anyhow, the flight was boring. As usual. But this is a good thing, I reckon. Better that than one which crashes or something. And there were no detours via Melbourne. I entertained myself on the flight by sleeping and listening to music. Also, because I'm a nerd, (and have my music with me), I practiced the fingerings / timings of the really hard piece of music that my new band - QWAB - is playing. Ohh, my theory about Velocity members getting better seats is wrong. I was in 15C today. So there's something else... Inspector P is on the case [that used to rhyme before I edited this post to get rid of my surname].

Ohhh, I'm going to have a fairly significant bill when my credit card is next due... Cheyenne got all fixed up yesterday and today, but is nice and smooth now. Nice.

It sooo good being home again. I love it here. I just wish my work, Brisbane friends, bands, etc could all be down here.

In other news (that will shock everyone except two people in this world, neither, I think, read this site), I'm somewhat confused by the messages I'm getting since Saturday... Although part of my problem is that I need to make the first step... So, now, when do I ring her?