kjp
So QWAB's upcoming gig is the "Best of British". Amongst it all, we're playing a Beatles selection piece. The several times we've rehearsed it, all I think about is dad enjoying dancing away in the lounge room to a Beatles CD. :(
The trick with life seems to be just to not forget the simple message of this particular Beatles song - a sentiment that dad would agree, I suspect.
Today was the first anniversary of my dad's death.
I took the day off work - I figured that I'd be feeling a bit average. Went to the beach in the morning - was a bit mucky, but caught a fair few waves, which was good. Came back, played my clarinet for a bit, a bit of food at the shops, afternoon snooze, talked to my family, and then it was dinner time. I was going to go out photographing stuff, but decided against it - couldn't be bothered.
In the morning, I took the photo below from my balcony of the rising sun. The clouds are the "white fluffy" sort - the dark bits are the shadows, etc. It was rather nice though.
As of a few minutes ago, I'm a bit less stressed. A few weeks back I got (at work - I have a great employer) my skin checked for lesions / skin cancers, etc. They found one thing that was a possible issue - I waited a couple of weeks for them to analyse it, etc. But just got the mail - apparently it’s nothing to worry about. Rather good.
Just have this Thursday to deal with though.
So, I'm in Canberra. It's a bit too cold for shorts and t-shirt... overcast, and less than 20 degrees. Oh well.
Coming home from the airport we stopped for lunch at the war memorial. Afterwards, we went to Norwood Park to pick up dad, and see where a plaque will be for him...
Well, today I had the last of the protein shakes - the ones that were bought for dad to help him put on weight. Thanks dad. I’ve put them to good use - for a little while now I’ve been keeping a track of the settings on the weight machines at the gym… they’re slowly getting bigger. Which is kind of a good thing. I’m thinking of setting a goal of 10 chin ups. I can only do a couple (2 or 3 on a good day) at the moment. So we’ll see how that goes.
My housing situation is about to change again. My flatmate is moving out with his girlfriend (who’s also living here at the moment). Bad for me, as they’re great flatmates - easy going, good for a chat in the evenings, etc. I’m staying put - I’ve signed the lease for 6 months from the end of October. I was (originally) going to get someone in to help with the rent. But I think that it would be good for me to sort some things of mine out and get some stuff. Like: fridge, microwave, vacuum cleaner, etc. I also want to spread out a bit. I’m getting a bit constrained having my computer in my room. And my filing cabinet should be somewhere else.
So, my plans are (once my flat mates have left): move my shelves into the corner of the main living area where the TV now is. Move my computer and sound system to be next to that. Move my clarinet stuff out into the main area. Move my filing cabinet into the spare room. Move my QUT course notes stuff to the shelves. Move the books stuff in my cupboard to the spare room. Move my green pack into the spare room. This should give me more space in my room, and should mean that I am a bit more organised. Should be a good thing.
Changing topics: it should, I think, if I’m not an idiot (or gutless), be an interesting weekend coming up (as per the previous post). Hmmmm. I spent part of last weekend playing Total Annihilation when I should have been doing other things. Lots of pondering for me to do, and a bit of research. Also, I’ll be going to the beach on Saturday morning for a swim, I think. Going north.
And finally, Monday is an RDO, and will see me cruising the shops for stuff: washing machine, fridge, microwave, and vacuum cleaner shopping / price research.
Just so you’re warned: if you read this, you’ll probably end up scratching your head asking what’s going on or suing me to get 10 minutes of your life back. It makes event less sense than usual.
This is potentially the second most important post put up on this site. It’s really only meant to make sense to me. It kind of has to be this way: it’s quite personal but important. I probably shouldn’t post here about, but given that it’s important, I probably should. Anyhow. So it’s written in my usual way of not making sense and giving you: dear reader even less info than normal to what is needed to get in my head. And, just in case anyone is wondering, this post isn’t about women.
So, first things first: I’m still not better. If you count the water over the course of last night and today, I’m worse. Fantastic… Seriously though - it’s an issue: I need to rectify it.
I had a sleep for an hour in the afternoon (bad). This morning, I had gotten up early (bad). Did my tax (which nearly put me back to sleep, har, har) - but I'll have to pay the taxman some money by whenever it’s due. Something about roads, defence forces, medical system, etc.
The key had been to express myself. And I did that in relation to some things. And then I realised what I’ve felt for some other things, and then I realised what’s important to me.
Now, apparently I sit in a mash (with the grity-ness of the start of Inter Milan Football Club) I’m a modern guy: love.
And finally to the title of this most significant of posts. Google it if you don’t get it (this should be the second thing you’ve googled from this post). I could appreciate why she’s sad - her hubby is cheating on her in the Bahamas, Rio or some faraway beach. I can’t tell you why I have been so sad: I do not get it myself. But it seems to be sorting itself out. Although the guitars in the second part of the song are tops.
Housekeeping: tomorrow: beach during the day WOO HOO! (RDO from work); friends over for dinner. Wednesday through Friday - course.
So now: shower, and then bed. Early start tomorrow - leave at 6.20 am or so. Bring on the first surf of the summer!
I've had this bit of paper hanging around my computer, in my 'to be actioned' pile for a while. It's just got some of my thoughts / memories of dad. I was thinking about these over the Christmas / new year period. For some strange reason, I don't want to loose these...
They're a bit random - they were just what was in my head at the time.
* Orienteering - love of the bush / outdoors
* Similar to me - comparing the men and women of the Paices; calmer, less easily flustered.
* Responsible / duty
* Caring / compassion?
* Cycling -> around, to and from the lakes. South Australian ride.
* Chess - "Do you want to take your move again?"
* Proof reading assignments, practicing presentations, mock job interviews
* Beach - body surfing. These days I spend some time every weekend at the beach or jogging in bushland (outdoors)
* Olive rationing [maximum of 3, then 4 until 5 at 50 years old!]
* The way he said "Oh; Kevin"
* "Are you talking about 'sexual intercourse'"
* "If it was funny I'd laugh too"
* "Have a think about that"
* Driving across Scrivener dam for the 2nd? time in the dark to my clarinet lesson... in the wide Ford, with the concrete walls that seemed very narrow...
* The one time he was late picking up from school after band... and hour late!
* Sermons, writing letters to politicians - road speed limits; land mines, etc.
* Advocacy of beliefs / what he thinks is right - BTA Brain Tumour Association; support - fun run, Canberra times article
* The 'pants incident' when leaving the hospital when he was very thin, weak, etc.
Also
- table tennis in the garage - letting the other player loose (having the skill to beat the opponent easily, but not, and helping them learn).
- speeding down to Coppins Crossing.
Just in case anyone is wondering (I know there's at least two of you out there), yes, occasionally I'm not very happy, especially re dad. It happens; eg the other week, when to top it off I was up late (tired) in front of my computer. Hmmm. Anyhow, recently I've been cruising along fine.
...and my tear is cold, shiver; and hurts so much.
lost, empty. Sickness is following.
My only refuge is away from myself. (Only sleep and one other option remain; the second to release me but would hurt others). So I must live with myself - pain.
(and besides, all the above is moot; as I must do my duty).
(earlier this evening I made myself try on his shoes).
I can’t say that I was exactly happy for a large part of today. I policy doco came around at work - everyone was getting a copy. I signed my name on (and not printing my name as I usually would do) - just like the old man. Top work.
So I've been trying to read a short book called "Coping With Grief". But I can't get stuck into it and get distracted and always seem do something else. It's now 10.20 pm. Perfect time to do the dishes har har. I still need to clean my room, pack my bags (we may or may not be leaving tomorrow for several days), and get a good nights sleep and get up early (because I want to park in the secure parking). Yeah, rrrright.
So it's been one month since Dad died.
I suppose things having been going ok (ok means, of course, ups and downs).
From dinner the other night and a conversation last night, I think that I went back to work too soon; I should of had a break (more than 1 day) before going back. Pretty silly of me to expect that getting back into the swing of things would help.
I'm writing some music (for clarinet, of course); about all of this. Although I can't do my ideas justice - my musical composition skills are... poor - inexperienced. Ohh well; I have to do it now; no other time. I've got a couple of themes in it down; and some ideas for the dying.
Anyhow; I think that excercise is important (duh). At the start of this week and down to Thursday afternoon - was not feeling very happy - at all. All of this stuff going throguh my head. Anyhow, after a jog on Thursday arvo; felt it a bit better. Ditto after yesterdays jog. No jog today (delibrately); but orienteering (hopefully) tomorrrow.
I spent today in the house (except for a brief drive to the shop to get some soup, bread and fruit). I woke up feeling pretty awful, and so had my second ever day off work sick. I spent most of the morning and early afternoon (until 3pm or so) in bed. Hopefully haven't slept too much during the day (as otherwise sleep may be difficult tonight?).
I think that I should be ok tomorrow. (Fingers crossed).
My standard response to people (when they ask how are you going after dad dying), is "OK, but sometimes pretty bad - just depends on what random thoughts are floating through my head". Or something like that. I think that this is wrong - I'm not OK, but I don't know what I can do about it to make anything better (other than building a time machine and finding a cure). It's a problem (like for a bit of yesterday afternoon) when I can't concentrate on stuff enough.
I've been sorting stuff out this morning: cleaning up my piles of papers from earlier this year, late last year, and a few things pre-China. This is instead of a swim / surf at the apparently really flat (well today at least) coast.
I've changed some of the categories around, adding one called JPBT. Standing for JP Brain Tumour, obviously. I haven't put some of the older entries that are in "Life" in this new category. That's on my job list. Because it's an important category, it gets a button at the top of each page. Like China, and probably in the future "South America".
So expect a few more posts up here of random stuff that I'm cleaning off my to do list.
Well, it's over. Maybe some details later, maybe.
I'm buggered though. Physically, emotionally, mentally draining.
In the church - 200 seats - all taken (except one, but that was a reserved one - there was a slight mixup, anyhow). The bits of paper at the door that people sign to say they were there (not everyone signed it) - was 390 names... in a suburban church. Apparently a whole big bunch of people though dad was a good guy.!
Anyhow, when that many people are singing, you have to play pretty loudly!
A dinner to go to tonight. And then that will be it - over.
Well, not really over, just a different stage in greiving begins...
nervous (11.26 pm)
One sleep before the second worst day of my life. ?
... but hopefully it will be as good as possible and help me.
There's two acts. A short and sweet bit (committal) that's ust got only a few people to it (family and a few close friends) - it has the coffin; and then the "celebration of life" later on... all estimates point to seating in the church filling up very early, with people standing for the service, assuming that they actually can fit inside the church.
I hope that I don't play too badly, and that I don't *** *** much. (But I couldn't ever admit that).
When I start to think about this fully and properly all and I have no adrenalin it's going to hit me (probably later this week); which will conside with me being away from everyone - ie: back in Brisbane.
It's ridiculous at how stuffed this whole situation is. And unfair.
So what is "normal" family life? Who knows - certainly not me. But is there such thing as a normal family. The all have issues, problems, differences. Anyhow.
It seems that things here are going back to normal (somewhat, but not really �" only superficially). We've (mum and the 'kids' - and the bub) having been having meals in the family room around the table - as opposed to meals of the past few weeks around Dad's bed - helping him eat. Now there's not much point to eating with him. He's breathing, and that's all he’s doing - no response to anything since yesterday morning's cuddle session with the bub.
I think that I should buy a lottery ticket:
You don't ever think that a family member will ever get something like this, but someone (well, a decent sized handful) in the world will. You don't ever think that you'll win lotto, but someone in the world will. If random bad things can happen, then surely random good things can happen?
If you've got a pessimistic outlook, then it'd be easy to think that that is not the case for you - that a bad thing may happen to you, no good things will ever happen to you.
If you've got an optimistic outlook, then it'd be easy to think that that is the case for you - that no bad things will happen to you, but a good thing may/will happen to you.
I always thought that neither would happen to me - no major good or bad things would happen to me. Maybe naivety? Or just sitting-on-the-fence? Or just the statistics: what is the proportion of people that don't have a family member with a terminal condition and who don’t win lottery �" 99.99% ?
I don't think that I'll ever get it - I have to just accept that one of those random things in life did happen to my family. In this case, the random thing that happened was a bad thing.
I don't know.
Sadness, and concern and bit of disappointment. Not confusion, not anger.
I analyse it all to understand it to protect myself from hurt. ????
OK, other things now:
There's a slight chance that I'll be in Brisbane tomorrow night -- for one night only (less than 24 hours in total). I couldn't stay away for more than that. But I'd be going for something that I really enjoy - a good escape from all this mess down here. Don't know - will need to decide early on tomorrow morning. I'd hate it if J died if / when I was away from here. Although, at least I'll be able to bring some warm clothes back: I packed in a rush and kind of forgot that stuff... not a good idea for Canberra in March.
It’s interesting, I’ve just re-read bits of the above. A ‘bad thing’ in terms of someone’s health maybe a terminal condition. But what is a ‘good thing’ in terms of health. Just being healthy enough to be able to do whatever it is that you want is ‘good’? Don’t know. The example of a random good thing was a financial lottery win, but this is narrow. What other random things that don’t happen to most people can happen which are good? Hmmm.
This post is a mish-mash of old bits that I wrote up (draft - not posted) on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday I think. Plus stuff from today.
OK, stuff from today first, while it's fresh in my mind:
A palliative care nurse came and installed a syringe driver into dad. The whole point of it is to deliver a given medication over a particular amount of time (24 hours in this case) in small even doses. There's just a small bit of plastic under the skin, which is attached to a tube, attached to the machine at the other end; which is told to deliver the drugs given in 24 hours. The picture on the external link of the wikipedia page is pretty much identical to dad's. It was good to get some info from the nurse in regards to a few of the things that we can expect to happen.
Anyhow, one of the reasons of doing this is that it is getting very difficult for him to swallow pills. Just doesn't have the energy to do so. This is not really surprising. The amount of food he's been eating (not for a lack of trying, just hasn't had the appetite) has been decreasing gradually for several months (or more?), despite, in the earlier stages (i.e.: before he decided to stop active treatment) having protein shakes to put on weight, etc. The other reason that when he's not sleeping, he's barely conscious (if at all). If you don't have the energy to swallow, and are not taking any food or drink on; then you can't live for long... A few days, not a week, apparently. But who knows about this. He's lasted this long - exceeding most expectations.
Other things today: woken early, dad coughing (lots); walk in the morning with mum; walk with Ms X and Cranky Pants and Steady (the last two are not really "mozwill", but they're cute, anyhow). Pal care nurse in early afternoon. Visit to the pharmacy after a catnap after that. A jog in the late afternoon with Pants and Steady, yummy dinner, then stuff in the evening. Ohh, I was watching bits of Suddenly 30 (something gives me the impression that it's a chick flick... hmmmm...) - shame shame shame - and doing bits of today's Canberra Times 5 star Sudoku (writing in the possibilities is a no-no). Posting a thing for mum to their website (written from her handwritten notes). Anyhow. It's 9:55 pm now; I'll sort out the rest of the post after helping roll** dad and give medication.
** One thing that I didn't realise before this last part of this saga was that if you're in bed for a long time, then you need to be rolled to change the pressure points. This avoids getting bedsores, which can be a big problem if you have no muscle tissue / fat, etc. Anyhow.
Ohh, when I was posting that entry on my parents blog, I couldn't get the blogspot to upload the two photos correctly. It'd just stall after uploading the images. Will try again tomorrow. Ohh, I've been told by Ms X that the job I did on my beard was patchy. Ohh well. And Ms X's elder sister agrees. Ohh dear. I was using a dodgy portable mirror outside - to avoid cleaning up a whole bunch of hairs. But on the upside I was also told that Ian Thorpe had a similar beard... I'm such a trend setter.... ha!
OK, now for the older stuff. I was going to post under a title of "Musical Beds, Sore Leg, Ten Eggs" because of the ridiculous rhyme...
From Thursday (in reference to Wednesday):
I was down in J's room again last night. He slept pretty well, which was good. Other than the times I woke him for medicine he was up just once for coughing (as far as I know, anyway).
Orienteering yesterday evening was good. It was around Mt Farrer, reasonably high on the slopes of it. It's pretty iffy, I reckon, to be outside when there's a storm coming; being near the top of a mountain; and being on a part of the mountain that is bare (ie: just grassland / rocks) �" no trees around. I got a bit wet, but that was ok. I had descended off the steeper slopes by that point. The map had been reworked (at least partially, I assume), as a result of the bushfires. Which got me thinking back to early 2003. A different world for me. Didn’t know anyone up in Brisbane, etc… I found Canberra 2003 Bushfire Map, which shows the amount of trashed land in the ACT pretty well. For those that don’t know, at the time I lived (and am staying at the moment), in the South-Western part of Belconnen.
Now, from later from the week just past (not sure when):
The ‘Musical Beds’ part just refers to the fact that we’ve been swapping beds regularly: someone has to sleep in the same room as dad, to keep an ear out, help him onto the commode, deliver medication etc (although this isn’t so much a problem as of tonight �" Sunday �" as there’s now no need for a 2am medication). I probably was the one doing most of the lifting getting him from the bed to the commode… I noticed towards the latter half of the week just gone that his stability and strength had diminished more (i.e.: I was pretty much taking almost all of his weight).
Sometime (maybe go again tomorrow?) W and I went down to the church for a bit of a practice �" of songs to play before the celebration of dad’s life. These were a mix of some of my clarinet and piano music, and some songs from the hymn book. Last week (or the week before?? �" it all goes so quickly), I was doing a bit of practice �" playing those same songs �" for Dad. He wanted to listen to what would be played at his service… What a crazy world.
The 10 eggs refers to mum’s really nice zucchini slice, which I’ll try and get the recipe for, along with a nice risotto (I didn’t realise that it wasn’t impossible to make), and some other “steak”. Yummy.
And now for some other stuff:
We watched the Shawshank Redemption later in the week. Was the second time I’d seen it. The first time was on the side of a truck on the Mt Gambier �" Adelaide ride of 1995. It’s a pretty good film �" I thought it was very good. All about hope.
I’m thinking of learning some Spanish. Quite possibly at IML (same place as I did my Mandarin). The purpose would be for a future trip to South America. (Although this would be 2007 at the earliest). I’m thinking of Peru, Bolivia, and maybe Chile or Argentina. Ie: high county on the Pacific coast side �" ie: territory colonised by the Spanish many moons ago. But, I may go to Brazil as well �" for some reason I want to swim in the Atlantic ocean. No particular reason, other than I’ve done Pacific many times, Indian some times, but not yet Atlantic.
For some reason, after I read that book on world oil supplies (geological basis) and the surrounding politics, etc, I want to read Pride and Prejudice (Austen). I just had the thought the other day, so why not eh? Although it might be a while before I get to it.
Also, another crazy thought was (when settled back to Brisbane) to go and see some dancing, like professional stuff. Maybe, or maybe not. I think that this idea was inspired after seeing Dancing with the Stars, and by wanting to see something on the professional side (not knocking the contestants). But I’m not a fan of ballet. So maybe this will do (yes, I know, it's acting, not dance).
The other weekend, (or maybe the one before it?), Ms X and I went to a garage sale up the road. Got a book all about concepts / schemas, etc �" and how people learn information �" creating categories, generalisations, etc. It’s ok and vaguely interesting, but I’m not sure how much more time I’ll spend reading it. At 50 cents, I’m not too worried about not getting to the end.
Now, how old is Bert Newton really?
Useless trivia (really, I mean it) - especially for all the non-Canberrans reading this - it's a public holiday here tomorrow. Canberra Day. Woop.
Hopefully when I get back to Brisbane (and get a free morning on a weekend), the water will still be warm enough for a decent swim.
So I currently have a cute bub on my lap. She is sooo cute. She tries to reach the keyboard a bit; but only manages to get to the spacebar. Actually she just nudged the mouse. And a red light came on inside it. Wow.!
Anyhow, last night I had a good night sleep - sleep right through from 10.30 pm or so to 8 am - sweet. I didn't go on either of my usual two morning walks - orienteering this afternoon is the excuse. So I've had a bludgy morning. And I didn't get interupted last nght. Which was good; although under the circumstances that would be fine.
The previous night was a bit average... Needing to get up 4 or so times for medication delivery; coughing or toilet assistance. Anyhow.
This case of dying is a bit wierd - no one is sure when it will happen - it's taking a while. Which makes it hard to organise the rest of my life, etc. (And for everyone else in the family).
So I should link to this post on my folk's blog. (Partly because yours truly did the first draft of it - but everyone looked at it before posting, of course). I'm tired - interrupted sleep most nights to help out. But this is nothing - I've been here a week; S, and W and C having been doing it for longer...
Staying down here was definitely the right decision.
It's weird. I always thought that my folks and their generation would all die in their 70's, or 80's; maybe the occasional 90 year old - this would be in 20 years time or something. Not now. There's so much to do in life. So many experiences to do, people to meet, places to see, etc, etc. It seems to be a waste that you can't have ~ 80 + years doing that. The standard answer is, of course: "yup, you may not live for as long as you like; so you need to make the most of each moment" or something like that. But that is kind of [forgotten the word - it means excuse - sort of - jib or jip or something], because we should all have the option for living a long time. Any outcome less (unless due to being stupid - drunk driving for example) is stupid and crap and wrong.
Anyhow, back from the rant:
It's the first (significant) exposure I've had to a dying person. The only other people are my grandparents (paternal), and grandpa (maternal), although all of these were a while ago (last was ~10 years ago, or so, I think). However, in this case we've got 7 or so out of 13 imminent signs (plus a few bonus issues due to the nature of the illness and complications)...
So I've just said good night to J. Interesting how, on previous nights, I've been saying something like "Good night, have a good sleep, see you tomorrow". Just then I dropped the 'see you tomorrow'... I'm accepting the future more.
Every day is great ("a gift"). But it won't last.
PS: I'm staying in Canberra for a while, (not going back to Brisbane tomorrow).
It's early. 4.08 am on Sunday morning to be precise. I'm the on-duty muscles for J help. Hmmm.
So there's another post on my parents blog that describes the situation.
Things are going downhill. "This is serious". ***
I keep things (ie: emotions) in check so that I can be of service and help my family as best as possible. But this (the keeping in check) will be bad in the long run, I'd imagine...
When I came down, I was thinking that it would be 'just for a long weekend - until Tuesday'; but tonight I wouldn't be surprised if I stayed and went back after the service.
Back to today events.
The day started off with a walk around a bit of the Pinnacle with mumsies; followed by a joke along the backtrack with Red and Holly. Then it was lunch time, then afternoon.
In the early afternoon Pembleton and I went down to the church to 'jam' (? if you can call it that). The piano is at her place in Sydney, so the church was a nearby spot to play piano and clarinet pieces. I've brought a fair chunk of my music down. The purpose was threefold: get some music into me and her; hang out with her; and sort out some ideas for the service (whenever that will be?...). We'll probably be playing some clarinet / piano pieces and some hymns from the songbook as people enter for the service. She'll play the piano for the songs during, I might play along as well.
Anyhow, of the "clarinet and piano" pieces that we went through, the artsy-fartsy pieces or too exciting pieces won't be appropriate. We've picked out a few 'nice' ones (and the most 'celebration of life' attendee friendly out of the ones that are available): Tartini - Concertino (I); Finzi - Five Bagatelles (III - Carol); Corelli - Gigue; and from the lime green book - Stamitz - Romance; Gossec - Tambourin; and maybe parts of (except the 2nd movement) of the piece that has no name (other than "Gavotte"). Hmmmm. They all have nice melodies; I think, which is important for this kind of 'gig', and aren't too hard (no time to practice heaps; and we might be thinking of other things on the day...). Unfortunately we won't be playing one of the best pieces for clarinet ever written Mozart Concerto (Adagio)... we'd need to do a fair bit of practice... which requires time, which is better spent else where.
We also went through a few hymns from the church songbook. The electronic piano that they've got is pretty cool; as it has a modulation function - so that you can specify what middle C is. So, you can shift the piano down a tone to play in B flat; which means that I don't need to transpose the music up a tone on the fly. Woo hoo. I'll leave that to my grade x clari exams.
After the piano / clarinet session; we sung a bit - choir music of mine. Arbutus; Banks of Doom from old choir; The Sally Gardens from new choir. They're all English / Irish / Scottish folksy type songs. Ohhh, and Thanks Be To Thee as well. No irony intended. No thanks from me to anything that probably doesn't exist for the crappy situation we're all stuck in.
And then it was back home. Then back out to get some dinner (chicken and chips from the shops, ahh the memories), and then helping dad, and then it was time to write something.
Must watch the chaser thing on ABC tonight - humour would be good for me.
Ohh, another thing I can't forget - for my list of memories of dad - the infamous olive restrictions at lunch time; and "tickle-torture". We got a little bit back earlier this evening when we were giving him is hand / foot massages (I had right foot - the one with feeling in it)...
*** This is kind of a joke between just me a dad (and now with you out in internet land now as well) (and fits in freakishly well with the downhill comment). You had to be there - somewhere in the hills above Adelaide ~11 years ago.
So I got the early afternoon flight from Brissy to Canberra this afternoon. (Took the afternoon off work). It was soooo good flying into my hometown and being able to see it (unlike my usual evening flight that arrives after dark).
The cab driver (who took me from the house in Bris to the airport) was pretty cool. He was a high-flier in the corporate world, lots of hours, stress, money, etc, etc, and quit that to become a cabbie. Apparently on a flight from Hong Kong to London, the plane that he was on got struck by lightning.... Apparently gave an awful fright. Yikes.... This was as there was plenty of rain hanging around the airport. He was from Sydney, and had been to Canberra a fair bit. We were in agreement that Brisbane weather is very bland compared to Canberra.
Anyhow, the flight was boring. As usual. But this is a good thing, I reckon. Better that than one which crashes or something. And there were no detours via Melbourne. I entertained myself on the flight by sleeping and listening to music. Also, because I'm a nerd, (and have my music with me), I practiced the fingerings / timings of the really hard piece of music that my new band - QWAB - is playing. Ohh, my theory about Velocity members getting better seats is wrong. I was in 15C today. So there's something else... Inspector P is on the case [that used to rhyme before I edited this post to get rid of my surname].
Ohhh, I'm going to have a fairly significant bill when my credit card is next due... Cheyenne got all fixed up yesterday and today, but is nice and smooth now. Nice.
It sooo good being home again. I love it here. I just wish my work, Brisbane friends, bands, etc could all be down here.
In other news (that will shock everyone except two people in this world, neither, I think, read this site), I'm somewhat confused by the messages I'm getting since Saturday... Although part of my problem is that I need to make the first step... So, now, when do I ring her?
this was a lyric from somewhere?
Anyhow, that's the major issue at the moment. Go back to Brisbane first thing tomorrow morning?, or stay for a while in Canberra. If I stay, how long will it be?? - after the funeral?
I can be of help down here, but everyone else can cope without me. It's just that we don't know how long J will be around for. hmmm. And for that matter, do I want to be around when J dies? I haven't figured this one out yet.
So I visited Melbourne this evening. Just for the heck of it.
nar.
My flight from Brisbane to Canberra was due to arrive in Canberra at 9.20 pm or so. However, there were some big storms in the region (and at the airport), so we flew around in circles for a bit (apparently, I was asleep at the time). But the lights at Canberra got knocked out, so we went to Melbourne to get some more fuel, and kill some time while they fixed the lights. We got in at about 11.40 pm or so.
I didn't really think much of Melbourne, although I probably should add that I didn't leave the plane (wasn't allowed), and my view was limited to a refuelng truck and a guy in a hi-vis vest. Woop-di-doo.
And so I'm back in Canberra for at least until Tuesday morning (taken Thursday and Friday off, Monday is an RDO). We'll see what happens.
If you know what's going on in Canberra with my family, then you should read this update.
This weekend (ie: Friday night to first thing Tuesday morning) I’m in Canberra catching up with everyone. Well, those of my family who are in Australia at the moment. Of course, I’ve been to the hospital �" yesterday �" but it wasn’t emergency or a ward �" went to the pharmacy to pickup some drugs (that need more than a prescription, apparently). And will go there tomorrow for an appointment. Sigh.
Anyhow, it’s really great to go for morning walks / jogs with S around the pinnacle; followed by backtrack walk with C and the little ones (four legged kind). And talk to J.
On another note. Har har har (pun unintended). One cool thing (of many) about QWAB is the layout �" that has the clarinets (in particular the 3rds) are in front of the horn section �" so we get the goodness of their most fantastic of sounds. Yum.
The Median Isn't the Message is an article about medians and cancers. Worth a read.
While I'm at it, I may as well plug the Brain Tumour Australia website.
Ohhh. I have a new category on this website.
So, since the 28th, it's been a matter of waiting and seeing what the surgeon in Sydney would say on Thursday (yesterday). This involved us all (Me, J, S, C) going up to Sydney on Wednesday. Wednesday evening / night I cruised around with J and J. After a yummy dinner we went to one of the peculiarities of Sydney - Max Brennar. For those that don't know, Max Brennar (or maybe Brenner, or something similar) is a chocolate chain in old Sydney towne: hot chocolate, coffees are on the menu; you can buy chocolates if you so desire. Anyhow, getting back to J’s place on Wednesday night I was suitably full and chocolately.
Yesterday, I went to St Leonards to visit B in Royal North Shore. Then to pick up J and C to go to the Prince of Wales. “The” appointment with the surgeon on Thursday was 2 ¼ hrs late, oh well. But the outcome is relatively positive (especially compared to the advice from Canberra Hospital the previous week). There’ll be another operation on Monday morning. We’ll all go back up to Sydney on Sunday �" so he can be admitted in the late afternoon.
So now Monday is the next key date…
In other news, earlier in the week it was good to catch up with an old friend - clarinettist from Adelaide. It appears that on a public holiday in Canberra (2nd), there wasn't too much open in the way of restaurants, etc. But an Indian place was found, followed by some yummy tea.
So today's action (well, primarily the second last sentence) (if you could call it that), was carried out in Ward 14B (aka: Oncology Ward). Strangely, whilest ward 9B is on floor #9, ward 14B is on the main entry level (aka: the 2nd (I think) floor).
Hopefully tomorrow he'll be able to come home.
Given the possible prognosis (ie: crap), Sydney for new year's isn't a goer.
... another hospital. This time Canberra Hospital.
Sigh...
So Christmas hasn't happened yet. Apparently.
Saturday night (9.30 pm) I drove mumsies up to Sydney. Getting there at 1 am or something. After talking to people for an hour, we stayed in a lodge run by Rotary at RNS for a couple of hours until more talkies, then a couple of hours more sleep. We crashed a relo's Christmas lunch - but this was ok considering everything. Another relo overnight, then today - RNS in the late morning / lunch. We left early afternoon to come back home.
And had lobster for din dins. yum.
My plans for new years in Sydney are a bit questionable (but probably will still be a goer), as I'll want to stay down here for a bit. To be sorted.
Anyhow, Christmas has moved to tomorrow!
2004 - spent the start of new years in Canberra Hospital Emergency
2005 - spent the start of Christmas in Royal North Shore Emergency
2006 - a quiet one hopefully?
There's yet another blog on the internet. This one is at http://jspaice.blogspot.com/. Gee, I'd really like to meet the person who set it up :)
Ohh, while I'm at it, I may as well link to a particular Canberra Times article, and the follow up.
Am currently in Canberra.
Got the 6.30 pm flight - that got in 9.10 pm or so. They have daylight saving down here, hence the extra hours difference.
The trip is to catch up with the fam; including the cutest girl in the world. Yay yay yay!!!
Anyhow.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
OK, serious now. But she is ***exceedingly*** cute.
With just a shirt on, it's a bit cool for me. Even though we're in the middle of November. But this is good weather. Not too hot, not too cold, but not the sameness of Brisbane.
hmmmm...
'Home is where the heart is' or something like that. Hmmm... It's kind of true really. It explains why I don't like Brisbane. Well, I like Brisbane, but I just don't like the absence of a few really good relationships (family).
So, I'm in Canberra again.
This is just a pre-China trip to say 'hi & how are you going?' to people down here, followed by a hi and a very big hug to the newest addition to the family in Sydney on Sunday and Monday. Then the early morning flight back to Brisbane and straight to work.
The flight down was pretty boring, as per usual. On the up side, my new shoes, which I'll be wearing to / from / around China, don't set of the security scanner thing at the airport - a welcome non-hassle.
It's quiet here. Not that it's noisy in Brisbane - there's just always background noise.
I leave for China in two weeks and 6hrs or so. Crickey.
Little people in Sydney should hurry up and appear - the conclusion of a weird mystery to me.
And then I have an excuse to go down there and see everyone...
Catching up with really cool people on the weekend and then miscellaneous randoms for dinner recently, has reminded me (yet again, and pretty ironically really) of how lonely I am most of the time…
(lacking companionship…)
It's just 1 week before I'll be in Sydney for a couple of days, then Canberra for the weekend. Yay!
OK, so I'll be staying up here (Brisbane) this (long) weekend.
It looks like everyone in Sydney is going well. Everyone is happy, pretty stress-free / relaxed, and handling things (yesterday's trip to the hospital) pretty well. I was thinking about going down this weekend (i.e.: going down after work tomorrow, back Monday), put it seems that me being there won't add much. Crowded house already, everyone's ok. Unsurprisingly, I've been fairly unsure whether to go. But this is the right choice.
Next weekend (ie: going to Canberra) is another matter - it's still up in the air. Whether I go down then depends on (a) how well people are going, in particular getting back home, (b) whether they are coping, and (c) how much in need of a hug I am. :) I'll decide on Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I've got flights booked, planned for the fortnight after - two days Sydney, then the weekend in Canberra; and I was there at the end of May. hmm... But going down next weekend will mean missing a group that I want to listen to. hmmmmmm......
In a way not going down this weekend is good, as I'll be able to catch up with some choir people on Sat, do the heap of Mandarin homework that is required (test is Monday week - yikes), and try to sort out China stuff (yeah right: like that's going to happen.).
Anyhow, so I sent off for my passport today. Just a tip: not all Australia Post outlets can process them. The one that I went has certain times that you're supposed to book for an appointment... None of which include weekday lunch hours.... Anyhow. There's a possible issue - there was a bit of reflection from the flash in my glasses - apparently this could be an issue - hopefully I don't get a call from the dfat...
Useless trivia: you're able to keep your old passport - as they just cut off the bottom bit of the front cover - the bit that has all the numbers and stuff. It's slightly weird looking at old photos of myself... Quick, someone make a stupid comment about "just slightly?" or "it's weird looking at photos of you". Hardy har har...
So, coming home after work this afternoon I dropped by the shops to get some food, etc (I occasionally want to eat, so buying some food helps). Going past the toilet paper I got a call from a chappie (J) in Sydney. Apparently the operation has been brought forward - from later in June to tomorrow - so it can be done by a different dude...
Hmmmm, I won't be going down tomorrow. May go down there on the Friday / weekend (Monday is a holiday...). Will find out what I should be doing probably not tomorrow (still doped up / ICU at that time), but probably Thursday(?). What is it with getting news from down South on Tuesday afternoons / evenings? Anyhow, I was happier at choir than last week, which was good.
Positive thoughts / karma / prayers / whatever to family in Sydney tomorrow afternoon.
Well I'm in chilly Canberra for a long weekend. I was able to get Friday and Monday off, so I turned up here on Thursday evening (straight to Brisbane airport from work). I'll be heading back first thing on Tuesday morning.
At Brisbane airport it was both fast and slow. The check-in procedure was really fast - Virgin have speedy self checking kiosk thingies. Scan your barcode, enter a few details, then take your bag to the bagmen / women (which has a really short queue too). The only thing that I'll have to do different is get a better seat - I'm not sure whether it lets you select a seat based on how far forward / back it is. It lets you select an aisle / window seat, I think. Anyhow, that was really fast, but getting of the ground was delayed due to a storm passing through the area... You win some, loose others.
Being the backwater that Canberra is, if you're getting off the rear of the plane you have to then walk across the tarmac.... Getting my first taste (in a while) of an almost winter chilly wind. Refreshing (?!) or something like that......
Because of my lack of really warm clothing in Brisbane, I've been raiding my boxes in the garage for a few big thick woollen mum made jumpers. Warm and cuddly, or something like that.
Yesterday morning - I was doing some jobs out in the garden - digging up roots, levelling some ground, etc. Then went into uni to catch up with a friend. It's weird how things have changed. Lots of little things, a building is now there were it wasn't before, construction work elsewhere, trees gone, etc, etc, etc. This goes for the rest of Canberra - houses have gone up / down / renovated, etc. Gardens have changed. Our garden has been cut back a quite fair bit... Not sure that I'm completely in favour with all of it....
Speaking of hacking down trees, I was pretty unimpressed by the Gungahin Drive Extension (GDE). I think that it was on one of my August / September 2004 trips down here that I first saw the land clearing.
Anyhow, today was fairly taken fairly easily due to last nights' excitement :(.
I'm in the process of packing up things for 3 and a bit weeks of holidays! Woo hoo!
I fly out tomorrow morning, then spend 2 weeks down the South Coast of NSW and then 1 week in Canberra, then back to Brissy early in the new year.
It should be a really good break. Happy me.
There's a naughty boy who is misbehaving again. (Canberra).
Worrying. Hopefully there is a "good" explanation... (fingers crossed, hopefully find out later this afternoon...)
/:-(
OK, so I have to get myself organised - something that has been lacking in the last two months. In no order.
In the next few days
In the next one or two weeks
In the next few weeks
I'm back in Canberra again. Unlike the previous two trips recently, I'm down for a "good" reason: there's a shindig on tomorrow (all day). Should be pretty good. It's good to be down here again. Recently I've been wondering what I should do in regards to work: it is the only thing keeping me up in Brisbane...
No, I don't have an internet connection yet... (funny how this is here...)
On Monday I flew back from Canberra to Brisbane. Canberra was insanely stressful - in particular Friday... :(. There maybe some nifty pictures of Canberra coming (when I get off my bum and get a real connection) - the underside of Scrivener Dam at night is pretty cool. And the weather - was cool. No: cold. I've acclimatised to the warm Brisbane weather...
Anyhow, Monday was an overcast, bit windy, cool, drab day. But all the clouds were fairly low: above them there was lots of clear blue, sunny sky, with the occasional white puffy cloud. Very much like in the movies, and vaguely metaphoric of leaving your troubles behind / below: release of unhappiness. Or something like that. "Take me to the clouds above".
I slept most of the flight: got woken up by the flight person telling me to put my bag under the seat in front for landing...
Anyhow, work's busy. New home is cool.
Hopefully everything down Canberra way will go well, and I'll won't need to go down there. Hope. Hope. But I do want to be down there...
I wish that I was a cold heartless bastard. Then it wouldn't fucking hurt.
Life is shit.
This was (mostly) written last night - around 9 / 10 pm or so - I didn't get a chance to post it until now.
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I'm tapping away at this on my little sister's PC down in Canberra. I'll explain later...
The last few weeks have been pretty hectic - there have been only two nights when I've just had a normal quietish evening...
I've moved out all of my stuff from Everton Park, into McDowall. There's still furniture and boxes of things in Canberra to deal with. Sigh: I've been waiting to deal with these for some number of months now. A lot of it is in boxes in my parent's garage: it's cheaper to store it all there instead of in a "self storage" mini warehouse / garage thing, that you pay $50 / week or so - way too much. Anyhow, I really do need to get some of my stuff up to Brisbane. It's starting to annoy me (it's been annoying others for a while...).
The new place that I'm in is really cool - really good people. In retrospect, this was probably the most important criteria when I was finding a new place to live. I should have realised that earlier.
We left Brisbane at 4 pm ish yesterday (Wednesday), and arrived in Canberra at around 10 am today. We had a pair of sleeping stops (and were sleeping when the other was driving). But I have been tired throughout today - sleeping for a bit in the hospital. Hopefully there will be good news on that front tomorrow (Friday).
It's interesting how the stress is getting to me: my ear is starting to get slightly dodgy, as is one of my toes: these minor annoyances tend to only crop up when I'm thinking about other things.
I fly back to Brisbane on Monday. It's probably going to be tiring up until then. And it's going to be busy at work next week - there's plenty to do. I don't have an internet connection at home yet. So who knows what will happen here (on this site).
At the moment I'm in what should be renamed the computer room - the other (family) computer is occupied, I'm writing this on the other machine, waiting for the internet connection to become available (no network!). Anyhow, that's life.
The past five days have pretty very much out of the ordinary. Bits of this post were written at different times, so it may not read smoothly!
Saturday morning
I caught a cab to the (domestic) airport, and got on a plane to Canberra. It was my first flight on Virgin Blue. They seemed pretty good: but they don't have free food on board. Do'h. Well, I knew this before hand, so it wasn't a surprise… The flight was boring - just read and slept a bit. Looking at Canberra from the air it was fairly dry, but nice, pretty and well laid out - the usual. My little sister C picked me up from the airport: we got home a bit after J did: he had gotten the rest of the day out on a day pass.
It was great to come back to the family home. It's probably the most significant place in my life so far. Minus a few bits here and there, I've lived there from mid 1985 until the start of this year - 2004 - ie: 18.5 years or so. Wow. I was feeling a little anxious but very happy to return. It was weird how I noticed bits and pieces:
Things haven't changed at all:
Then some things are completely different:
Afterwards we just sat around, talked, etc. Then everyone went back to the hospital while J ate his dinner. I drove S home.
Sunday morning
Drove to the hospital with S, picked up J at brought him back - he was on another day pass. He went to church. I went with S and C for a walk up along the backtrack. Again, like when I first arrived home, there were some things that were the same, some things that had obviously changed: it was easy to pick out which houses had been done up, etc.
A BBQ lunch (cooked on the new fancy cooker) followed. I can't remember what happened in the afternoon - probably more talking etc. In the late afternoon / early evening I dropped J back at the hospital, and stayed with him for a while. A doctor took 3 goes to get a cannula in - vaguely worrying.
Sunday night
Driving back on the way home was the first time that I had to myself: alone. Instead of focussing on making sure other people were struggling along ok, I allowed myself to think about the situation. And then I realised then how upset I was (and am) at the whole situation. The potential severity of the worse case scenario hit me - and I lost it. I was just completely sad - nothing else.
After dinner at home, the 4 youngins went out to Civic - to the Pancake Parlour for dessert. Remarkably enough(!) there was hardly anyone around, being a Sunday night in the middle of winter in Canberra.
Monday
First went to Belconnen Mall. We didn't have time to cruise around the mall - just got my hair cut and we got a few other small jobs done. You now have to pay for parking at Belco! Yikes. (Although they were introducing it when I left…). Then to the hospital. Most of the day was spent waiting around: waiting for tests, waiting for test results. The results of today should come tomorrow, with more tests tomorrow. Hopefully all of the news will be good. Fingers crossed - thinking positive thoughts, etc. It's hard not to worry. I just want everything to be ok - everything to be how it was before Thursday.
It's amazing how tiring a day can be, when you're not doing anything physically or mentally strenuous: just emotionally.
Tuesday
In the morning went to ANU with C. I gate crashed a lecture on Psychology of Health: was vaguely interesting. Prior to that we cruised around the ANU for a bit - was good to reminisce about my 5 years here. They've made the union building pretty dodgy by partitioning up the main eating hall. Oh well. Then onto the hospital. More waiting and waiting. J had an MRI scan in the morning. Waiting around all day (boring). Talked to a guy in the bed next to J - an engineer - interesting. In the evening - news from the main doctor who looked over the MRI results. They were not as good as we hoped. And this is very worrying, sad, and hurts a lot. There will be a full body MRI scan in the next few days which will help determine the extent of the situation. Then there maybe some surgery… I'm pretty upset at the whole situation.
Wednesday
Did some jobs in the morning, packed up, went over to the hospital. Had a coffee with me, J, S, W and L. Then C picked us up and took us to the airport. The flight was pretty boring. Train back to home from the airport. Didn't get the best train connections (just missed the train at the airport and the connection at Bowen Hills).
There maybe some photos of Canberra up on this site if I get around to it in the next few days.
OK, overall, a few effects from the events of the past couple of days:
I just want life to be like it was last Wednesday: life was better back then.
There's a few things I should do:
I've just got home for work: 8am to 9pm - the longest day so far. It was my choice. I've taken next Tuesday off. Wednesday is a public holiday here in QLD, while Monday is an RDO for me. This means that I can go down to Canberra: flight leaves tomorrow morning. I needed to either work next Monday, Tuesday or Friday night - to finish off a project - just sorting out the handover docos / deliverables for an upgrade.
It's all a bit of a rush: the reasons for going down came about unexpectedly yesterday.
I just hope that everyone is well at the end of it: it's not the best situation to be in at the moment.
Fingers crossed.
